In Which Bowser Hates Me & I May Be Beginning to Return the Favor

photo credit by Ben Heine on Flickr

Oh, the Horrible Month. Will it ever end? Well, yes. That's why it's called the Horrible Month, not the Horrible Year, or the Horrible Life. I wish I would have had a crystal ball back then to see how my family is thriving now, but perhaps if I had had that then I would have sat on my laurels and I wouldn't have fought as hard as I did for my husband, my son, my friends, and myself.

In case you are wondering, the Epilogue for The Horrible Month occurs on 9.30.03. I didn't write every day at this point because I was busy doing the work of regaining my sanity and attending the Partial Hospitalization program. The entries are at least a few days apart in most cases. There are entries in my journal after that and perhaps I will someday enter them if I feel they are relevant, but I think when I am done with the Saga of the Worst, I'd like to get back to writing about the present. I do, in fact, have a Here and Now that is mostly satisfying. I do have a husband I adore (yes, the same one I was hating the day I wrote the following entry), and my sons are divine little sources of ever-expanding love and wonderment at their uniquenesses as well as sources of my occasional envy of couples who don't have kids but do have actual lives. My friends are the BEST. I don't have many, but the ones I do have I cherish beyond your wildest imaginations. I sincerely hope you have friends as loyal, funny, and true as mine. If you even have one friend like Cloe, Kate, Genevieve, or Brianna (Caleb's mom), then you are truly blessed by the Universe. Shower him or her with lavish affection for they are most deserving and rarer than the finest gemstone. My friends are proof that we are all made of stars; they shine and are my beacons for life. Yep, my Here and Now is a pretty good place to be.

But, before I can return to the Here and Now, I must continue with the story of how I got to where I am. The Saga of the Horrible Month continues with Day 17. (If you need to get caught up, go to the sidebar and you'll find a chronological listing under The Horrible Month: a Series segment.)


Day 17

Stardate: 9.3.03


I saw Luigi(<3) on Monday the 1st and it was invigorating, re-energizing to be with him and shitty to be with Bowser. If I ever had any doubts that Bowser is using Luigi to punish me rather than protecting Luigi from me, they've been thoroughly dispelled.


We arranged (Bowser and I) that because Labor Day, I would get to see Luigi for the whole day instead of these piddly 2-3 hour visits. Bowser brought Luigi over at 11:30 am and then he wen out to to work in the yard.


Luigi and I went and played in the sandbox and then went over to see Caleb (he and Luigi have been best friends since they were about a year old) and his older sister, Madison, because Luigi kept asking for "CalebMadison" even though I had been inclined to have it be just Luigi and I today since last time I took Luigi and Caleb to the park, Luigi acted very jealous if I held Caleb and he even tried to push Caleb off the play set. He has never acted like that before. Luigi has a big compassionate easy-going nature; obviously, this jealousy is a reaction to the current chaos. However, Luigi had a great little visit with Caleb and Madison and I enjoyed hanging out with Brianna, their mom.


Afterwards, I took Luigi home and fed him a sandwich and some nectarines for lunch. He was acting tired by this point, so I took him upstairs, read to him, gave him his bottle, and laid him down for his nap. Little guy pooped and then after changing him and refilling his bottle, I listened to his monitor for 15 minutes, but he did not want to sleep. "Mooooommmmmy, where are you?!" I couldn't resist that and brought him downstairs and was playing with him when the phone rang. It was Cloe's husband, Grant, and he wanted to talk to Bowser. I brought the phone outside to Bowser and went back in to Luigi. After a few minutes, Bowser came storming in. I asked him what was wrong. "Nothing." Then a few minutes later, "What is on your mind, Bowser?" At which point he began lashing into me - again.


"I just got invited to go golfing, but I can't go because of YOU and what YOU did!" I told him he should go golfing. He'd worked hard all weekend, he'd been stressed and golfing with his old friend Grant would be good for him. I could watch Luigi and Bowser could pick him up when he was done or I could bring Luigi down to Bowser's parents' house at bedtime.


"OH, NO! Absolutely NOT!"


Then he went into his "you're so selfish" litany. It's still all about me and he wouldn't leave Luigi with me because I feel a sense of entitlement. Damn right I'm entitled. I'm his fucking MOTHER! I told Bowser that there were a lot of solutions if he would just look at them. But he kept right on arguing with me until finally I got fed up. I told him that I would not be blamed for one more thing. He could just go and take Luigi to his parents, go golfing, and maybe I could see Luigi on Wednesday night. IT was the hardest most painful decision I've ever made, but damn it all to hell, he was being ridiculous and selfish and cruel to the point of abusive. This was my time with Luigi and Luigi's time with Mommy and Bowser could not seem to respect that.


I packed Luigi's bag and put his sandals on and brought him down to the car. Bowser came down and said, "I'll think about Wednesday." Then they left.


I came in the house and immediately called Cloe and Grant and told them what had happened. Grant first and then Cloe. Cloe and I could only cry together at the injustice of it all. After I hung up with her, I closed all the windows and proceeded to have a biblical scale wailing and gnashing of teeth. I never understood that phrase until I actually experienced it for myself. "Goddess!" I kept crying, "I can not take this anymore!" A minute after my last prayer the phone rang and it was Bowser acting like nothing had happened.


"Well," he said, "Mom and Dad aren't home and I don't have time to drive to their house and then all the way down to Grant's or I'll miss my tee time, so I'm bringing Luigi back." I suggested to him that we meet at Cloe's and he and Grant could go golfing, while Luigi and I would be "supervised" by Cloe's watchful eye. He said he'd consider it - he was going to get gas and then come back to the house.


I called his cell five minutes later to see if he'd decided and he said the tee time wasn't until 3:30 so he could do it but he needed a shirt, his golf clubs, and his shoes. I ran in the house, got a shirt, socks, and golf shoes and met him in the garage. When he pulled in, I helped him load his clubs and shoes in the trunk and, without a word, got in my own car. I was trembling with rage. I could not bring myself to open my mouth in front of him, in front of Luigi, because the verbal tirade pressing viciously in my throat would vibrate the Richter scale if let loose.


The dick head didn't get the hint. He rapped on the passenger window. I reluctantly rolled it down and he said, and I quote, "I am not afraid for Luigi's safety; I'm afraid that you're going to think we're functioning as a couple."


"No fears there," I said tersely, rolling up the window, turning up the music as loud as possible and drove away to Cloe's.


When we all arrive at Cloe and Grant's house, Grant was waiting out front in his Jeep. He put Bowser's clubs in the back and they drove off.


I asked Cloe if she made Grant wait outside for Bowser. She said both the tee time was getting close so Grant was saving time and that she had told Grant she could not see Bowser at the moment because she did not know if she could prevent herself from screaming at Bowser if she saw him.


From then on Luigi and I had a great time. Cloe and I set up the kiddie pool for Luigi and Cloe's two young boys to play in and I took tons of pictures of the idyllic scene. Luigi and I went for a short walk to the grocery store for dinner which I fed him back at the house. We played with the Little People Farm and read books. He was so tired he was stumbling, but wouldn't sleep because he wanted to be with me. "Mommy, where arrrrrrre you?" How could I be stern to that?


I gave him a bath around 7:30 (Editorial comment from 10.11.10: Cloe took a picture of us that I keep taped to the inside of my jewelry box to remind me to never go down the road of unchecked illness again. He is wrapped up in a towel and his damp head is laying on my shoulder, his face inscrutable, my face buried in his neck.) I then put him in his p.j.s and we laid down on Cloe's bed. He kept spooning into me and asking for lots of hugs, which I gave with twice as many kisses and "I love you-s." Then he started saying, "love you, love you, love you, love you." I'm teary writing this. After 45 minutes of cuddling and talking to each other, we went downstairs and hung out with Cloe and he said the four sweetest words a mother can hear: "I love you, Mommy."


My kid is so special ~ so loving ~ so articulate ~ so kind. I've got to be a decent mom. I have given this kid so much demonstrative affection that he is comfortable and generous in giving that affection back freely and without hesitation. He gave me a gift that night - the gift of hope that he and I might be able to make it through this - all of his own free generous spirit. He made me feel special, loved, and confident that even though I am fighting with depression and Goddess knows what else, I am still giving him what he needs emotionally and mentally. I will not let him down. I won't. I will spend the rest of my life making him feel as special, as loved, and as confident as he has made me feel. It is the very very least I can do as his mother.


Bowser and Grant came back around 9 pm. Cloe would barely look at him. He asked how she was doing. She said, "Fine." After a moment of realizing there would be no repartee, he said, "Well, I guess I'll be going." "Drive safely," was her response. He looked sad.


I feel a tiny bit bad that now his animosity towards me is being turned on him. He has known Cloe for 10 years and, while I do tell her everything Bowser is doing and saying when we are in contact, all of the random acts of cruelty he needs to perpetrate on me right now, I am also careful to say he is hurting, angry, and scared, and that even though he is being irrational right now, I still love him and I'm working very hard towards a better future with my family - if that is even a possibility anymore.




Now, about last night...


Bowser came home from his Sex Addicts Anonymous group around quarter to nine and I was in bed exhausted and down for the count. I woke up to him huffing. He was mad I was in the bed and I said I would go sleep on the couch.


He started in that he was going to be at the house on Tuesday nights and weekends and wanted to know what days I would be here. I really feel that Luigi needs to come home to be in his normal environment and sleep in his own bed. This is his house more than it is Bowser's or mine. He should be here and the grown-ups should act like grown-ups and be civil to one another in front of Luigi. I told Bowser I didn't mind sleeping on the couch. I'm not throwing Bowser out and I will not be thrown out of my own home. This is ridiculous. I told him as much and he said that he didn't want me here when he was here; he didn't want to see me or talk to me. I told him that I did not want to be spoken to in the tone in which he has been speaking to me - that if he could not talk to me like a friend, he could at least talk to me like there was someone else in the room with us. "Tough shit," was his response. Angry words ensued  and I finally walked away from him muttering, "Poor poor Bowser." Bad idea. Some words are best left unsaid.


He followed me downstairs and ripped me a new asshole with as much volume and rage as the atomic bomb possesses.

• He doesn't know who I am; I have too many personas and masks.
• He thinks all of the good things about me were just acts and he bought it hook, line, and sinker.
• My mind is a mess; it's utter chaos, and I can't be normal - I don't know how.
• I make his life chaotic and I've turned him into a shell of himself because he's afraid of my moods.
• Everyone has to be sensitive to Sophie.
• I'm completely selfish and I don't care about anyone else or the effect I have on them.
• I'm weird and I have to draw attention to myself.
• Every time things are really happy, he just holds his breath because he knows I won't let it last.
• He won't let Luigi grow up to be massively depressed because of me. "Not on MY watch."
• Bowser is the best thing that ever happened to me and I'm sabotaging it.
• Even though I'm still alive, I did commit suicide. I cut myself out of the picture.
• I am both constantly and never changing.
• I can't get along with anyone because I can't stand myself.
• He's mad that I was so depressed when I sustained a long term, exquisitely painful injury that took two years of physical therapy to correct.
• He can't trust the changes I am making because he doesn't believe they will last.
• I always revert to being miserable and I bring everyone with me.
• Partial Hospitalization doesn't matter to him - he knows guys in his SA group who did the 30 day program and then fell off the wagon 3 weeks later.
• I'm burning out my friends just like I've burnt out Bowser and his family.
• I've never liked his parents. - To which I responded, "That's not true Bowser. I love your parents very much." "Well, you sure as hell weren't thinking of them during your attempt were you!!!!!"
• I'm acting all lovy-dovey towards him to try to win him back, but when he isn't around I go into raging dialogues against him.
• I'm having quiet dialogues in my own head all the time.

PICK ONE, You Dumb Fuck!


I can't even write about this anymore. He is unable to see any of the many good things about me. That's sick.


Towards the end, he said that he was just a volcano right now and he knew it. He is not going to make any rash decisions while he was so angry. He would wait until he was calm and objective (snort) to decide what needs to happen.


I told him that if this verbal abuse keeps up and he keeps using Luigi to punish me, I'm going to have to make decisions of my own. I'm trying to be understanding and turn the other cheek because I did a horrible thing. I'm trying to give space and time and use it to work on myself and make it right. But it sure as hell doesn't sound like he will give me the chance to make amends. I'm trying to not jump to conclusions and I will give more time and patience, but I don't know how much more.


Trying. He hates this word. He screams at me, "Why don't you stop trying and actually accomplish something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"


I'm not even allowed to be human at this point, so I can't see how we can be friends much less spouses.


And the really shitty thing is that Luigi is the one who is suffering for this. This cannot keep up.


I must release this anger. It is not a part of me. However, I don't know about releasing the hatred he spews at me and which I defensively return. I know I need to do so, otherwise the hatred will be my focal point instead of wellness.


To get back to my wellness journey, I borrowed Brianna's Medicine Cards, smudged them with lavender and sage, set up five sacred candles and gave myself a reading. Here's what I got:

(North)

Spider -Weaver

(West)
Lizard -Dreaming

(Center)

Armadillo -Boundaries

(East)

Grouse -Sacred Spiral

(South)

Wolf -Teacher

The magnificent poet, Walt Whitman wrote the following poem that inspired me to ask the Universe for guidance in this way:

I think I could turn and live with animals,

they're so placid and self-contained,

I stand and look at them long and long.

They do not sweat and whine about their condition,

They do not lie awake in the dark and weep for their sins,

They do not make me sick discussing their duty to God,

Not one is dissatisfied,

not one is demented with the mania of owning things,

Not one kneels to another,

nor to his kind that lived thousands of years ago,

Not one is respectable or unhappy over the whole earth.

("Song of Myself", Walt Whitman, 1819-1892)

Here is the interpretation of the cards. I found the peace I thought I had lost during the flaming exchange with Bowser. I kept my feelings for him out of the circle and asked the spirit guides to show me my way for I am so lost right now. I used the Moon Lodge Spread (Inner Tree for Centering).


East: Whirling Spirit Card - the key to unlocking spiritual nature and abilities.


Grouse Dance - Sacred Spiral

• Visualize a whirlpool or tornado for the Sacred Spiral will take you to the center (find the water in the vortex).
• The spiral is a metaphor for personal vision and enlightenment.
• How do I move through the world?
• Is my movement compatible with my greatest desires and goals?
• Many spiritual disciplines ask you to cease all external movement in order to recognize the inner life, but Grouse medicine is an invitation to the dance.

South: New Growth or Seed Card - shows true feelings about someone or thing and how I can begin to relate to them in new ways.


Wolf - Teacher

• Wolf is the forerunner of new ideas who returns to the clan to teach and share new medicine.
• Wolf takes one mate for life and is loyal like Dog.
• Wolf has a strong sense of family and strong individualistic urges.
• Share personal medicine with others.
• If I become Wolf and take up new adventures, I may stop howling and learn to become one with the Moon.
• I need to seek out lonely places that will allow me to see my teacher within. In the aloneness of a power place, devoid of other humans, I may find the True Me.

West: Dream-Within-a-Dream Card - shows my true purpose in life, my life mission.


Lizard - Dreamer

• Lizard Medicine is the shadow side of reality where dreams are revealed before I decide to manifest them physically.
• Whether dreamers smoke me or dream me, then can always help me see the shadows. The shadow could be fear, hope, or that which I am resisting.
• LOOK and see what is following behind me. Is it my fears, my future trying to keep up with me, or the part of me that wants to ignore my weaknesses and humaness?

North: The Place of Wisdom and Knowing Card - inner wisdom I may not have seen in myself.


Spider - Weaver

• Breaks any self-deception.
• Spider is the symbol for the infinite possibilities of creation.
• Spider weaves a web similar to humans who get caught in the web of illusion in the physical world and never see beyond the horizon into the other dimensions.
• If we are not decisive enough about our lots in life, I may end up being consumed by my fears and limitations.
• Look for new alternatives to present impasse.
• Don't get too close to an entangling situation.
• Use my journal to I don't forget how I am creating a new or different phase in my life.
• I am an infinite being who will continue to weave the patterns of life and living throughout time. Do not fail to see the expansiveness of the eternal plan.

Central: The Integration Card of all the Directional Medicines - the power shield of the true self. Know the True Self and never be deceived.


Armadillo - Boundary Shield

• The armadillo's boundaries of safety are a part of its total being.
• Armadillo can roll into a ball and never be penetrated by enemies.
• Set boundaries so harmful words or intentions roll off.
• Set up what I am willing to experience.
• It is time to define my space.

So, how I react in any circumstance has to do with my ability to be objective and I can't be objective if I can't tell where the other person's personality stops and mine begins.


If I have no boundaries, then I am like a sponge. It will seem as if all the feelings in a room full of people must be mine.


Let the Armadillo's armor slice the in-between giving me back my sense of Self.


*This spirit animal reading is taken from Medicine Cards: The Discovery of Power Through the Ways of Animals, by Jamie Sans, David Carson, and Angela C. Werneke. Unfortunately, I can not discern my own personal notes and interpretations from the exact quotations of the book because this entry was written seven years ago and I didn't record the difference between quotations and personal insights. The Moon Lodge Spread and the animal traits are from their work and I went over the "Search Inside This Book" at Amazon.com to make sure I had the basics right. 


I had never done a reading before and haven't done one since that night, but this reading did so much for my psyche at the time I've never forgotten it. The Wolf has always been one of my spirit animals (along with Deer and Dragon) and since this reading, the Armadillo has become a special mascot of mine.