Take Five, Butterfly

Clapperboard Photo Credit

You are not alone.

Let's repeat: You're. Not. Alone.

I've been in those shoes.

Shoes too small that pinch.

Shoes that make walking a bitch.

Shoes you want to ditch.

The road seems too long

and sad, forlorn, alone,

stopping here makes sense.

Frustrated, depressed,

enraged at life that batters

you without surcease.

What's the point?, you ask.

Why walk this road of brambles

in these goddamn shoes?!

Unsolicited

advice: Depression's short sight

 plunders your True Self.

We don't remember

days; we remember moments.*

What moments are yours?

I've hidden many

too excruciating to

relive, remember.

I've highlighted some

in brash yellow strokes. THESE HERE!

This is me summed up!

Am I only pain?

Am I only what others 

have done against me?

I used to believe

my sorrow was my complete

sole identity.**

I used to believe

that which was done defined me.

Sadness hid the rest.

Trauma? check. Bipolar?

PPD? PTSD?

check and double check.

Depression hid joy,

shrouded peace in days Past, Now,

and Future promise.

Ah, you think, she's one

of those born-again Perkys.

Not perky. Nope, not me.

Born-again five times,

maybe seven if you count.

Seven times dead. Close.

Honey, I know pain.

Self- other-inflicted pain.

Heartache with no end.

Take Five! Sophie's Life

began post-Spectacular

Suicide Attempt.

I'm not born-again.

I took off my shoes and went

barefoot through jungles.

I took off my shoes

because they didn't fit nor

go with ... anything.

I hurt. Re-birth hurts.

I hurt all those I love, gave

Spouse PTSD.

I've spent seven years

paying back the Universe

for gift of Take Five.

I'm glad of the chance

to tell my story and say

You. Are. NOT. Alone.

Many are here to hold

you until you find your Self.

True Self, not Pain Self.

Read our blogs, books, art;

email me or her or him

and say, "I'm so sad."

Give voice to your pain

and keep voicing it until

it's without power.

Take 5. Five minutes

to breathe and say "These feelings

hurt, but they will pass."

Take 5. Five minutes

to walk in rain, snow, sun, fog.

Move body; move mood.

Take 5. Five minutes

to connect with a person,

hear a voice, hug, hold.

Take 5. Five minutes

to write haiku about you.

(Rule: 5-7-5)

Take 5. Five minutes

to think through your pain, around

to a better plan.

You're worth five minutes.

Fuck, you're worth 5 billion days.

Open eyes. See Self.

I beg you. Take five.

I got five takes in my reel.

You may have just One.

Five More Things:

A Haiku for World Suicide Prevention Day 


When I can't find hope
in my eyes, I look into
the cat's eyes for hope.

-by Luigi, age 10

(My son, Luigi, told me about this self-soothing technique today. He said that the kitty's eyes are hopeful; they get big and shiny and make him feel calm and centered "when I'm sad or someone hurts my feelings." So he wrote this haiku for all of you knowing exactly what it was for and says, "If you can't find hope in your own eyes, look for the hope in the eyes of somebody you love." I hugged him for 10 minutes after he said and wrote all this; didn't want to let go.

A Quote that Smacked Me Upside the Head Today

"Many times, those who need the most healing are the ones who can in turn heal the most."

-from Urban Shaman by C. Murphy
(hey, even urban fantasy has its philosophical points)

Resources if You or Someone You Love Is Depressed

Take 5 to Save Lives/ World Suicide Prevention Day

National Alliance on Mental Illness

What to Do if you think someone is suicidal

SAVE- Suicide Awareness Voices of Education

Please go here if you think you are in danger of harming yourself; this is a good site.

*Asterisks*

*"We do not remember days; we remember moments." -Cesare Pavese

(the quote is on a journal Cloe gave me on my first Re-birthday)

**The link attached to this double asterisked stanza is the single most helpful and complete link in this post. It goes to Eleanor Rigby's Jar. If you can make only one jump from this post to another of mine related to this topic, please take this one.

A Personal Note

I'm not blowing air out of my butt when I talk about suicide. Go to that link above and you can see a picture I took of the scar on my own wrist from suicide attempt #2. But, this note isn't about me, it's about you. These last four hours of writing have been all about you, for you, because of you. Because you are here, I am here. 

You know about the Butterfly Effect, right? It's a cornerstone of chaos theory in physics. Well, here you (or, perhaps, someone you are very very worried about) is in the middle of a chaos storm of emotion. Whatever you do will have very far reaching effects. Will you fight for yourself, love yourself just enough to tell someone supportive that you need to be heard, that you might not know exactly how to say what's on your mind, but that you need someone to listen anyway? Will you stay here with those very special people - however many, however few, the only one - who have the ability to make you want to smile for them? Will you please stay here with all of us and take time to heal so you can heal someone else someday? So you can say, "I remember when..."? You are worth it. 

You are worth remembering this as a shitty time in your life. You are worth the time, the air, the space to gain new memories - silly memories, happy, intense, angry, sad, exuberant, embarrassing, holy-crap-I-can't-believe-I-did-that!!! memories. All of them. All of life. It's here, little Butterfly. Don't fly away from them. You've no idea what your future can hold. Depression is a short-sighted illness. It thrives on emotional reasoning. I feel it, therefore it must be true reasoning. 

If your close one who makes you want to smile for them (my person is Cloe; I always want to smile for her even when I can't smile for me) told you, "I am a worthless failure and I'm done." What would you say to him or her? My therapist made me do this exercise 'til I got sick of listening to her repeat it and internalized it myself. "Well, if Cloe said that to me, I would ask her what could possibly make her believe that because I can think of fifteen reasons she's the shining star in my life." Dr. Mean Old Lady would say, "Then do the same for yourself. When in doubt ask yourself what you would tell Cloe if she was thinking the same thoughts and coming to the same conclusions that you have been." Be your own BFF.

It's hard for me to buy that idea sometimes. The Be My Own BFF idea. I told you I'm not a born-again Perky. Truth be told, I don't like people very much because the ones I find in person seem to want to be shallow and polite and I hate hate hate small talk. I don't do acquaintanceships, but I do do life-long deep, raunchy, funny, we-can-talk-about-anything friendships very well. As a result, I have about 12 friends and I cannot begin to describe the depth of love and companionship and humor I share with them. So, seriously, I'm not perky. I'm bipolar II and I still get depressed and my friends love me anyway, just like I love them when they are going through a period of being snarky or sad or moody. They're my friends. I've got their backs and they've got mine. I'm not perky, but I know how to be a good friend.

Earlier this year I had a 4 1/2 month long depression that attacked my defensive skills with a brutality I haven't experienced in 7 years. For the first time since I Dropped My Basket (see sidebar for definition) I had intrusive thoughts of self-harm that would not leave me alone. I'd see visions of blood running down my arms or of my crumpled corpse by the side of the road because I was refusing to wear my seatbelt in an attempt to tempt Fate and see whether or not She wanted me around. Very sneaky passive-aggressive intrusive thoughts that left me shaking. I was so far down the rabbit hole that I couldn't reach my toolkit. I had nothing left but to ask WWCC? What Would Cloe Do? My husband was my lighthouse during this time. That's it. Bowser was the only one I would let in my head regularly - not daily, but regularly. I'd play WWCC? every day, but I could only bear to talk to her once or twice a week. Pain and shame over the depression locked everyone else out. But I had Be My Own BFF inside me and I kept hitting Replay. I'm still here. This Is My Brain on Depression tells this most recent story. 

I don't know what self-looping destructive thoughts are in your head exactly, but I know my own and I know how L.O.U.D. they are. I call mine Thought Monkeys. (short definition on sidebar) They became guerrillas (sic) and almost ended my life until I told them every day, every time, "Go AWAY! I know what you are and I'm not buying it." You can do that, too. I know you can. You are worth making these intrusive thoughts of self-harm go away. They will go away, but you have to tell them to. Self-destructive thoughts are horribly obtuse. 

So, Butterfly, can you find your inner BFF? Will you? Will you, please? Applying the Golden Rule in reverse is the one thing you can do for yourself RIGHT NOW. "Do for myself what I would do for my best friend or urge him to do."

I want you here. Don't scoff. I might not be perky and super friendly, but I do know that if you end your life the consequences will rock the Universe and I will feel your passing and mourn the memories you never made. That's chaos theory. You can't fight physics. Stay. You're worth it.