Ladies and Gentlemen, I Proudly Present... My Heart

Guess what?

Oh, you'll never guess and I'll stop being coy.


Today

Marks

730 days

(also known as two years)

of Bowser's sobriety.

How about that!  It's a great achievement for him, just as great as 714 days was only now it's 714 +16 more days which coincides with two full laps around the old Sun.

This morning I gave him a hug and told him I was proud to see he was off to such a fine start. That's how he likes to think of it. For him, it's not about how many days he's "gotten through", it's about renewing his commitment to healthy thinking on a daily basis every day for the rest of his life one day at a time. Those are his words.

He's at group tonight and I think that is exactly how he'd like to celebrate.

So, although he's not making a big fuss out of it, I am tooting the horn for him and for Us.

We've grown as individuals and as a couple in the last two years. My growth can be traced throughout this blog and the comment sections of MPJ's posts of 2 years  ago [MPJ, it's almost our two year anniversary, too!!  ;)    ], since it was she who first introduced me to bloglandia by inviting me (and any other virtual passersby) into her anonymous personal life. Good Goddess, she made me feel normal when I really needed someone to let me know staying in a marriage with one's best friend/spouse/SA/father to one's children was working for her because she and Mark were navigating the Matrix together and pursuing recovery with focus and resolve. MPJ is my first internet love - in a totally appropriate platonic non-stalker sort of way.

Bowser.

His growth has been much quieter than mine, but don't let that deceive you. I was thinking about him today and came to realize the first eight years of his recovery were spent in getting some depth to his person. He'd been a sex addict for about 16 years by the time he admitted it and sought help; he had a very shallow view of himself, of intimacy, and, truth be told, of me as well. The first years were spent scratching to see if there was anything under his shell. As time went by and he began to take recovery more seriously, he found that underneath his battered exterior frame way there was a man, a man I always knew he was. Depth. He found it and dug deep to get there dealing with each creepy crawly as it came. He's incredible.

Since his last relapse, he has gained more than depth; he's added breadth to his soul. I'm in awe. He has developed, matured, and bloomed into this s p i r i t, this h u m a n who is soooo cool. He has gained a Big Picture perspective that previously eluded his selfish nature. His kindness knows no bounds. He takes care of himself in order to better take care of those he loves. He looks for, actively seeks out, insights and A-ha moments that may aid his journey. And, on the Us side, our intimacy has achieved a level of passion and compassion heretofore unknown. The level of closeness is completely relative to our trust in one another.  I trust him. He has earned it and I don't give out trust points generously. He trusts me. He trusts I am on his team. He believes in me because I'm not quick to judge, I try hard to ask instead of presume, and he knows I really like him and I don't believe in labels.

Recovery friggin' rocks.

This one's for you, Bowser. I couldn't find the bouncing birdies Muppet version, but I thought you'd get a smile out of the Erasure/drag queen version. (It's a good day when I can find a way to include drag queens.) I'm elated on an hourly basis that we took a chance on each other.

via videosift.com


Keep working it, Honey, because you're worth it.



I love you.


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photo credit Little Hearts by iamhomosquirrel on flickr

Sisters of the Moon

Moon Goddess blessed we,

sprinkled with stardust, moonbeams:

sisters forged by Light.

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Under the Vrindivan Moon lithograph credit by Prem Milan Studios c. 1920

To Hold

Long and sweet your Kiss,

not the perfunctory peck

of a long-wed pair.

Let our lips nuzzle,

our tongues waltz to a tango,

noses caressing.

Clasp and enfold me;

let me do the same for you,

our girdle of love.

Aware of our touch,

let not time mute our passion.

Mine belongs to yours.

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photo credit by Llima on flickr under a Creative Commons license

Simple Gifts

Bowser and I will celebrate our 10 year wedding anniversary at the end of next month and we have decided to renew our vows. This decision was not made lightly on my part. After all, last time we got married it only took two months after the wedding to realize that my husband had been lying through his teeth while he spoke his vows, you know, the ones we had written together to underscore the importance of trust in a relationship. You can read the story here and here if you're unfamiliar with it. The story is a good tale of love, betrayal, sex addiction, recovery, co-dependence, growth, and what it takes to truly become a man and a woman. Hint: maturity has nothing to do with age.

This post is not about re-examining tales of yore. I'd rather look closely now at where my feet are planted at this juncture of my unexpected journey. I'd like to give thanks for the wisdom I have gained from the Universe & allow this wisdom to guide my future. In other words, I've written the vows I want to say on our anniversary and I thought I'd share them with you.

We have a children's book for the boys called Simple Gifts. The words are those of an old Shaker hymn and the painted illustrations are semi-abstract, warm, and thoughtful. Mario loves the song, because we sing the book together. President Obama had the song played at his inauguration in a classical quarter composed and arranged by John Williams called Air and Simple Gifts. I decided to weave my vows around this hymn. The lyrics are pure and represent the best the human spirit has to offer when it is working in harmony with the world.

Simple Gifts - Alison Krauss;Yo-Yo Ma


The lyrics are:

'Tis the gift to be simple
'Tis the gift to be free
'Tis the gift to come down where we ought to be
And when we find ourselves in the place just right
It will be in the valley of love and delight


When true simplicity is gained
To bow and to bend, we will not be ashamed
To turn, turn, will be our delight
'Til by turning, turning, we come round right

The vows I've written to my husband are as follows:

Ten years ago today, we made sacred vows of a life-long commitment to one another and lofty promises to always behave in certain ways.


Today we come together with 10 years of marital experience under our belts and a real understanding of what marriage can be and why lofty promises are ideals, not rules of order.


We've trodden upon many a path together over the past 10 years - our feet following our hearts in their relentless efforts to find a way through life and towards one another. These hearts have been down Dysfunction Drive, Blindly Fumbling Blvd., Lost Lane, We're Trying Something New and Healthy Way, and Totally Trusting Turnpike. We've walked on parallel Streets of Self-Discovery and each and every time we've come to a junction, we followed the fork of Love. We choose love over and over because we each know at the core of this relationship is a true and simple friendship. We have an unwavering belief in the genuine intentions of the other no matter how far off track we have sometimes come. We have made many a turn together and allowed Love to turn us right round where we ought to be.


Today I find myself in the Place Just Right. I am here with you holding the hand I still call Home.


Today I bring you myself - the woman I am and the woman I am becoming. I offer you the best of me and the promise to bow when humility is called for and to bend when Life encourages me to be more supple of character in order to grow stronger and straighter. I vow to prune errant branches which hinder my growth and to share the bounty of my labors.


I bring you my Love and the promise to tend my Love, grow and nurture it until its breadth joins with yours to shelter us from the storms & the heights of its Understanding will make you feel cherished, safe, and secure in the knowledge of my belief in you and my compassion for you.


Lastly, I bring you my gratitude. You are a strong and stalwart partner. I am blessed beyond compare to have you as my helpmeet. I would not be who I am, where I am, here in my Heart's Valley of Love and Delight, had I not had your hand to hold every step of the way. You are my Best friend, my Lover, the Father of my sons. I choose you - yesterday, today, and all tomorrows to come. And, if you will have me, I am yours for now and for Eternity.

I'm a married woman now, not a giggling fiancee. I understand that more growth and soul traveling are to come & some lessons may be harder than others. Not only would I not have my life any other way, I would not live it with anyone else. I choose Bowser and I'm the luckiest woman in the world.



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photo credit by Laura Gommans on flickr

Hey, BFF, This One's for You!

Kermit says it's all rather simple actually. We'll just put the lime in the coconut.




And, I even found a recipe for it!

Put the Lime in the Coconut Drink Recipe:

Ingredients to use:
1.0 oz Rose's Lime juice
1.5 oz Pina Colada mix
1.0 oz Capt. Morgan's Parrot Bay Rum
0.5 oz Bacardi Limon Rum
0.5 oz Triple sec
Directions: Combine all ingredients together in a blend & blend for one minute or untill smooth. Garnish with a lime wedge & shaved coconut.

I think it'll go great with Chicken and Garlic Cream Sauce. Oooo, or Murgh Korma. We can have it when Genevieve is here and we'll slip a little Miralax into Kate's portion. Just for shits and giggles.  :)